Whether you are a Darwinian or a Creationist you cannot argue that man (the generic not gender term) has two ears and only one mouth. So why is it that so many people talk far more than they listen.
Admit it, how many times have you been in a conversation where the other person is telling you a story and all you can think about is the great anecdote that you want to tell them in return? You aren’t listening to them, you aren’t interested in that they have to say, you just want to talk. To be heard.
I’m sure you can remember numerous times when you asked “how are you doing?” how many answers to you remember?
Whether it is in business or in your personal life spending time listening and understanding your colleagues, your clients, your friends, or loved ones is the key to a successful life. It makes people feel valued, feel appreciated and in certain cases loved.
So if it doesn’t come naturally, and I admit it doesn’t for me here are some techniques that may help.
Mirroring
You may have read of this in studies of body language, well it is as relevant in verbally as it is physically. When someone tells you something repeat it back to them. Do it accurately not roughly. “OK, so you are saying that……….” Don’t do it with every sentence and don’t do it in a flat monotone voice. Use this method to show that you are listening and it may also help the other person to express themselves.
Empathise
This is similar to the point above but it connects on a more emotional level as with this approach you show that you understand how your conversation partner feels. “I can understand how frustrated you are by the delay”. Sincerity is key here, if you aren’t sincere you will end up sounding sarcastic.
Lean in and watch
Try observing a child when they are watching a movie they love. They lean forward, sit still and their eyes do not leave the screen. You can bet that they aren’t thinking about a funny story to tell the screen! So the next time you are meeting with someone, person or professional, try this exercise. Sit forward, and listen with your eyes. If you look at your conversation partner, making eye contact, you will naturally listen to them.
Interact
To make sure you are listening and to make the conversation an engaging one, ask follow up questions. Get your conversation partner to elaborate. To give examples. To express a point in an alternative way. This not only makes you listen but it may also help you understand a complex issue.
Jot it down
If you have a valid point that will contribute to the point that is being made, do not be afraid to write down a note. It is better to jot down a quick note and return to listening that to stop listening as you try and remember your point. If you are in an intense conversation, explain to your co-conversationalist, that they have made a great point and it has triggered a thought that you want to capture. Make it them that has triggered you, not you having a better idea for them.
Practise makes perfect
I find my children are the best practice partners for many life skills that I try to enhance. So give it a go. Next time you are chatting to a child, use one of these techniques. Remember the aim is for you to listen and for them to feel listened to…you never know it may also help you be a better parent/uncle/aunt.
by Richard Wright
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